l'abîme de révélation

Sitting here, listening to Radiohead, about to eat dinner cooked by David, being loved on by Aries...and I am sad.  Thursday will be one year since Nakita died, and loss is a buzzard patiently perched on the foremost ledge of my thought. 

The brave and beautiful Nakita, who never really had it easy but who never gave up.  She loved to be loved, and she would lay right in my path so I'd have to take a few minutes to pet her.  She was loving and brave the day she died.  And she was so sick.  It was chily outside, and I wrapped her in my robe with her face and front paws in the warm sunshine.  At one point I moved away from her for a few seconds, and she moved herself to be closer to me.  Sigh...how much that must have hurt her.  Words provide a pale description when i think of all that was strong and good about Nakita.  I can only hope that at the end of my life someone will hold for me the respect that I have for her. 

Sabina, my New Orleans Lady.  Who was secretly a boy the whole time.  That seems very New Orleans, doesn't it?  She'd crawl in my lap, stare into my eyes, and her body would rack with purrs.  If I hit the snooze button too many times in the morning, she'd stand over me and gently paw my nose or lips until I got the picture.  Sabina didn't easily let go of things; it took her 3 years to forgive me for moving to England and then for getting another cat upon my return.  On April 20, 2006, she disappeared.  It rained torrentially before dawn the next morning.  I knew that she would be gone if she had been exploring the drains.  A week later I saw a dead black cat on the side of the highway.  I went back with my mom, and though the cat was heavily decomposed, there was something about its foot.  I'd just decided that it couldn't be Sabina when I saw that foot.  Something about it...I chose to believe that it wasn't her, but I still wonder.

Playful.  My first baby.  He died a painful but quick death.  He was my first real sense of death, and it felt like I was being buried alive.  It was 3 years before I was ready to love another kitty like I'd loved him.  Today a co-worker looked at the picture of Archie on my phone.  "Is this your cat?  What's his name?"  I replied, "Playful," before I could catch myself. 

Sitting outside tonight, waiting for the coals to get hot enough, I bathed in the scents of the grill, the cool evening air, the rustling of doves and squirrels in the trees.  An awkward sense of home mixed with that excitement of unfamiliarity struck me as I watched a fan rhythmically cut the light peering through someone's upstairs blinds.  How powerful it is, the slightest change in perspective. 

Autumn, late October.  The impending time of the dead.  I miss all of them, my animals and my people.  I miss other versions of myself.  And as much as I ache, I cherish this pinpoint of grief inside of me tonight, for I get to be with all of them again, if only for a moment.

Oft lately it feels like I've dived into the deep end.  First I thought about writing "been picked up and thrown into", but I definitely chose to dive into this pool. 

A friend asked me yesterday what my gut is telling me about something I've been thinking about. I chose to ignore my gut. Such a bad idea. I dream last night, and in my dream I am in a situation that's not so good. It's the situation I pursued despite my gut's warnings. I awaken knowing that I need to heed my gut, but I do not want to. I don't want to. I want to create my reality as I want it to be.

I've also been thinking about putting myself out there again, romantically-speaking. Wanna know what I really wish? I wish no one went into exclusive relationships. I wish I didn't feel so much pressure to prove that I am normal. I wish I really wanted to be in a relationship with someone. But I don't think I do. Relationship to me means control and unhappiness. Insecurity, Imbalance. If I could feel secure, balanced, and happy in a relationship, I would want one,  I don't want to be alone. but I don't want to be with someone else, either. I have completely lost my hope that there's someone just right out there. And that really sucks.

*sigh*

She's gone. Died yesterday afternoon, maybe 12:15 pm.

I fixed Weight Watchers spinach lasagna tonight.  Other than the fact that I screwed up the recipe, it was pretty good.  It also would have been a very healthy meal had I not eaten half a baguette with about two pounds of butter.  I have such a weakness for butter. 

mmmmmm.....butter

I feel empty this evening, and I don't really know why.  I took a mental health day from work, and I felt bad for the things someone else had to cover for me.  That's the thing about my job:  I set appointments ahead of time, and it is difficult to have a spontaneous day off without placing an extra burden on another team member.  I over-extended myself physically and emotionally during my first year there, and I am working on making decisions lead toward balance.  I am seeking better boundaries. 

Lately I've been setting boundaries with men, which is especially difficult for me.  With one friend, he heard what I was saying and responded in a way that made me feel safer to be that open with him in the future.  With a guy who has been pursuing me, my final no has had to come in the form of having no contact with him because any contact only encourages him, regardless of what I say when we do talk.  Last night, I finally told a friend that I do not like the way our telephone conversations have been occurring for a long time.  He calls and calls and calls, sometimes 4 times a day if I am not taking his calls.  Then when I do pick up he talks incessantly about himself and his online business venture.  When I said something last night, he said he no longer wants our friendship.  I do not think he feels that way, but he is not in a space where he's willing to be honest with himself or with me about where he really is in his life.  I will be surprised if he walks away for good, but maybe now he will understand what I am not willing to tolerate anymore. 

I think I've always measured my worth by what others think of me, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of that.  Maybe I'll expand my worthiness beyond those parameters.  For now, I am testing how it feels to stand up for me.

It feels a little uncomfortable but good at the same time. 

You know, I am more aware of my resilience than I was a year ago. 

I am so grateful for my challenges.

there's no way I will ever be enough to be more than you
there's no night that has enough hours of sleep for me
I do not know how you can stand yourself
And I can barely stand to be in the same room with you

What I hate most about you is that I want you. And I completely understand why others want you, too. And if I could get close enough to you, I would close my fingers around your childlike neck and squeeze as I trace the curve of your bottom lip with my tongue, reach under your shirt with my other hand and graze my fingertips up the ridges of your ribs to your nearly flat chest. So like a little boy, yet you're nothing like a little boy, are you? Straight up and down, yet curved in secret places. I bet your skin is creamy. I bet it smells of the earth and tastes divine.

I hate you so fucking much that sometimes you're all I can think about.

Today was a strange day at work.  I feel like I accomplished very little, though I worked my ass off all day.  I think it's because I basically moved from one "This has to be done RIGHT NOW" moment to another, plus my new intern started today (she seems great), plus I keep losing sleep lately for being online, plus...that's about it. 

Fab thunderstorm rocking the medical center as I left this evening! 

I could have eaten better today, though I could have eaten a hell of a lot worse.  Hummus and sprouts for lunch tomorrow.  The soreness in my upper body is abating in time for my lower body to agonize.  I hit the gym again tomorrow evening. 

Had naughty thoughts about the softness of my former trainer's skin today.

I did group with adolescent girls this afternoon.  I had a string of shite groups with them last week and was worried about going back in there.  They were in an awesome space today, and I was in a much better space than I was in last week.  We had a cool group, possibly enjoyed by all, which is saying something in my line of work.  They led it from start to finish, and that was a HUGE difference from last week, when I tried to lead and they rebelled.  Being a therapist is exactly like everything else in my life: movements forward are usually preceded by seeming meltdowns.  I am in transition, and I welcome it.

Northern Exposure is the best show of all time, in my humble opinion. 

Archie, my cat, has arthritis.  He's 10.  I can't believe he's 10 now. 

Bedtime.

It's long past the time when I should be starting a journal entry. 

Worked out tonight.  Still hurting like a bitch from Saturday's workout.  Saw my former, HOTTT, trainer tonight, and he was surprised at my appearance. "You look wonderful!"  (Not that different...just a little bit).  I hugged him goodbye--our first hug--and his skin was so soft!!!!!  Holy shit!  I'll be thinking about his skin for a while to come.  Mmmm.

I did the unhealthy thing of perusing Jon and Kimmie's MySpaces tonight.  Why do I do this?  I favor pain, obviously, and no one is available to punish me regularly.  Gotta step in.  The inevitable thoughts blast through my mind's front door: 

What about her makes her so right for him and made me so wrong? 
Is she better than me?
Am I special enough for anyone?
Blah.
Blah.
Blah.
Blah.
And so forth and so on.  Unproductive, vulnerable, scared thoughts of a woman who needs to remind herself many days that she is enough.  I am enough.  I am exactly who I am supposed to be right now.  I understand it.  I accept it.  And I am actually grateful, believe it or not.  It's just that those fucking thoughts, they plague me at times.  Them and this burning yen that revisits unbidden when I am unarmed.  Every once in awhile, I savor this yen as my senses bathe in memory.

Therapy lately has been incredible.  Clarity seems to await me as I walk in the door, and it settles into me as I settle into my conversation with Christine.  This does not mean it's easy--just the opposite, really.  I am starting to come into some 23 year-old anger, and it's a lot to handle.  I am grateful, though.  I invite my awareness; Only in darkness do shadows wield power. 

Sometimes it's really hard to let go of what once was in order to allow space for what is to come. 

I think I may hate you as much as I love you, and it hurts to even hate you.  I feel poisoned by my anger and resentment.  I feel guilty for feeling this way at all.  I gave you your gift tonight because I don't want to celebrate Sunday, and I feel SO HORRIBLE for feeling that way.  What about all you've done for me? 

Yeah?  Well, what about all the rest?

I've really been struggling today.  Well, this whole week, really.  At some point while on vacation, I decided that I was very unattractive.  I've had these bouts of low body esteem throughout my life, but they seem to get particularly nasty when I am on vacation.  I haven't felt attractive since I returned.  Today was especially bad, and I feel like I am swimming in self-persecutory thoughts. 

This song is from "I am David", a movie about a boy who travels from place to place and person to person after escaping a work camp in the 50's. He has no one, feels he has to hide from everyone, and desperately, *desperately* wants to connect with someone else, to tell his story. Such a good movie.

I had therapy this evening, and I have felt both frustration and the desire to go off on my therapist two sessions in a row now. I so appreciate the freedom to be real with her to the point of speaking a truth so naked it brutally shears the leathery skin of my defenses and leaves me with only tears and possibility. It's really difficult for me to sift through the complexity of my emotions to reach a space where I have clarity, and I cherish the simplicity of that hour every two weeks.

I think one of the most difficult parts about grieving is those tiny memories that blindside me when I am steadily involved in some unrelated thought or feeling or activity. Unprepared and unguarded, I feel overwhelmed with longing of what was my once-reality. Funny thing, grief; you just have to ride it out sometimes.

This evening I realized beaucoup somethings, but one in particular is scratching at the inside of my skull. There are many reasons why it hurts so much that Kimmie broke my trust and pursued Jon. One of those reasons is the fact for a very small moment, I felt like she and I really connected; I thought I'd found a new, and very special, friend. I also knew that night, though, that she would go for Jon and would hurt me. I can't explain how I knew, but I did. As my therapist put it, Kimmie and I each revealed a piece of our core--the place where we hide our pains, fears, and shame--and when Jon chose Kimmie over me, it affirmed to me that it is I who am truly not worthy...not Kimmie.

Yeah, it's bullshit, I know. We probably all walk around, equally amazing and horrific, every day. And for a brief moment tonight I was ok with all that has happened because I was able to feel compassion for all involved.

I read others' journals, and I am amazed at how they can be so fun, so artistic. I love it, and in the same breath I love the serious side that I usually choose to reveal through my journal.

I am so sick of thinking about this. About her and him. I have been ill since last Friday, and I am ridiculously tired of being still, bored, and AT HOME. For someone who doesn't watch a lot of t.v., I have been all up the t.v.'s ass lately.

So, unless I move away from Houston and isolate from our couple of mutual friends, I am not going to be able to escape Kimmie anytime soon. There have been times lately when I wished I'd never met Jon, never took my current job, never had Kimmie reintroduced into my life. I love my job, though, and I do not intend to leave it just because I am working next to a reminder of pain and shame.

More than anything, I am remembering that life is about so much more than momentary pain. I read others' blogs, talk with friends and family, read, write...I know life is so much more than my current struggles, self-doubts. I am just looking for that "so much more". A friend said to me recently in an exasperatd voice, "I just can't understand why you are basing your entire self-esteem on this situation with Jon and Kimmie, on whether or not Jon likes you." A bit short-sighted, his assessment, but he has a point. I will never understand why I prefer one person over another, or why a person might prefer someone else over me. It's just the way is it. No, it isn't fair, and people are not always just in their actions. No way I twist it in my head do I see it being ok the way Kimmie deceived me, but she did, and it is not changing.

I am so tired of sitting here, recuperating.

The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.

~Richard Bach


For the first time since learning of Jon and Kimmie, the acuity of my pain has abated a touch. I took a bath tonight and was thinking about everything, and I realized that I kept expecting myself to feel worse than I really felt inside. I may survive this after all. I know that sounds dramatic, and it is. But there's emotion for you.

One freakin' day at a time.

A friend's question in response to an earlier post:

Seeing as I didn't really know you 14 years ago...who?

A boy named Brian Shaw had liked me for at least 2 years. He was childhood best friends with Jason Meier. Jason and I met in AP Biology, when I was in the 11th grade. We started dating, both of us knowing it would hurt Brian once he found out. It did hurt him. It hurt him so much, and we were too wrapped up in the newness of being together to *really* care. I am Brian. Kimmie is Jason, and Jon is me. This is the third time I've been Brian in the last 12 years. I feel like a fool saying this, but I am hoping that I have paid my debt. I do not want to go through this again. I wish I could forgive them, to be understanding. Shit, I know exactly how they feel. Neither of them wants to hurt me. It is the opposite of what they want, but the force of their attraction is too much to resist. I've been there. I fucking understand. It doesn't make this side of the equation hurt any less. I hurt so much. I am exhausted with pain. I want to crawl into a ball and disappear right now. This is compound pain: the new wound settles onto a reopened one from my past.

I wrote Brian a long letter in 1998. In it, I apologized for hurting him. I acknowledged how special he was and how lucky I would have been to have chosen him instead of Jason. I never mailed the letter. I still have it somewhere. I've searched for him for years, and I still haven't found him. You know, he was amazing. He wrote poetry. He drew pictures. He played music. He had a public personna, but he was very sweet and sincere underneath. He was very smart. And he cared about me, really seemed to care about me. Stupid, stupid Cathy.

I want to have compassion and blessing for Kimmie and Jon. I feel poisoned by my anger and pain

I was right. All I can guess is I have paid my price three times over for what happened 14 years ago, They are, in fact, together. I don't know what I am feeling. betrayed, sickened, enraged, apathetic, numb, relieved...

Apparently, today is the day to process via LJ.

I miss him.

I brought my fair share of baggage into the situation between us, I know that. I also know that we couldn't be compatible in the long-run. He's too this, and I'm too that. Neither of us are enough of who knows what. It's difficult. When things are good between us, they're *really* good, and when they're bad, they're abysmal.

Yet, I still miss him: the sound of his voice, his smell, they way he describes things, the calmness he exudes--when he's not pissed at me.

With him, I saw a side of myself that I've seen so many times before. This time, i paid close attention. I act a bit loony, and I am so uncomfortable with that side of myself. I see, moreso than ever before, what's going through my heart and mind in the heat of the moment. Maybe I can alter things in the future. I don't know.

( Streaming thoughts and feelings... )